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I will not abandon you.

I’m not sure if you get my messages. You often say you will block my number. So I don’t know if they get through to you – either literally or metaphorically. But I know you check this website every day so I will tell it to you again here. I will not abandon you.

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Letter to my husband

Dear Richard,

You’ve always been a coward. I didn’t see it for so long because I loved you. Though I love you still, the rose-colored glasses have been removed and I see you for what you are.

Letter-Writing.jpg

You are a coward. You were a coward before I met you. And you are a coward still. You told me yourself that you stayed on SSI/Disability long after you had any need of it – that staying on it was your “security blanket.” When I needed you most to speak for me, you stayed silent. When I needed you to notice me and the work I was doing, you ignored me. You belittled me. You marginalized me. And when I was struggling after running out of medication, you not only failed to notice – you left. You abandoned me in my most desperate hour. And you’ve abandoned me every day, every hour, every minute since then.

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Nothing

woman-hiding-in-abandoned-room-jill-battaglia

Art by Jill Battaglia

“He was supposed to protect me,” she thought with angry tears in her eyes as the rain fell hard against the windows of her car. That singular thought swirling over and over in her mind like creamer in coffee. “He was supposed to protect me.”

But he didn’t. He had left her. He abandoned her. And he gave no indication that he had any capacity left to care for her at all. In that moment, she couldn’t ever remember feeling so alone.

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Who is my Heisenberg?

May 20, 2017 @ 6:29 a.m.

Who is my Heisenberg?

I have a mental illness. This is not something I chose. This is not something of which I am proud. This is not something I want any more than Walter White wanted to have cancer. But our earnest desires couldn’t save either of us from the painful truth.

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alattehope.com/

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