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The Body Keeps Score

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I have a friend who see themselves in the worst way. It puzzles me because over the years, this friend has been kind, generous, thoughtful, and selfless in ways that have delighted me. This friend thinks they have done something horrible to hurt me. And even though I have memory issues, my body remembers when someone has hurt me before.

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Why survivors stay silent

Image from Indian Woman Blog

Ninety-nine percent and what happens to survivors who speak out

This is not a post about income inequality. This is a post about the “other” ninety-nine percent. This is a post about the statistical fact that 99 percent of perpetrators of rape walk free among us

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The days that follow – update

And he continues to live his life as if this never happened – as is he never raped the babysitter while that little girl slept across the hallway with all doors in the house wide open. He lives as if he never used a gun to threaten me. He lives as if he got away with it.

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I took the bold move of unblocking him today. Much to my surprise, Cole had not blocked me. I guess he’s just that confident of a rapist. Scrolling through his timeline, I wasn’t surprised to see he still has this post from the night he assaulted me.

Just One Take

In the days that followed since Cole Mooridian sexually assaulted me in his home during the early morning hours of June 4th – his life continued as normal.

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The girl I would do anything for – update coming soon

It has been more than one year since I saw her last.

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She is still in the custody of known rapist – Cole Mooridian. He left her bedroom door open while he raped her babysitter in their home in June 2017. While there is little more I can do to help her, the one thing I can do is write.

 

Just One Take

I would do anything for this girl…

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I was never your cure.

I was never your cure. I am your addiction.

You hurt me far too many times, I could mention

After it has all been done and said –

You thought you could leave, but I’m still in your head.

 

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I will not abandon you.

I’m not sure if you get my messages. You often say you will block my number. So I don’t know if they get through to you – either literally or metaphorically. But I know you check this website every day so I will tell it to you again here. I will not abandon you.

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Letter to my husband

Dear Richard,

You’ve always been a coward. I didn’t see it for so long because I loved you. Though I love you still, the rose-colored glasses have been removed and I see you for what you are.

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You are a coward. You were a coward before I met you. And you are a coward still. You told me yourself that you stayed on SSI/Disability long after you had any need of it – that staying on it was your “security blanket.” When I needed you most to speak for me, you stayed silent. When I needed you to notice me and the work I was doing, you ignored me. You belittled me. You marginalized me. And when I was struggling after running out of medication, you not only failed to notice – you left. You abandoned me in my most desperate hour. And you’ve abandoned me every day, every hour, every minute since then.

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Happy Anniversary Richard!

I would like to wish my husband a happy anniversary! It was one year ago today he revealed to me the lie that our marriage had been built upon.

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I am so much more

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I am so much more than a victim.

I am a survivor.

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